When a woman is trying to conceive, her life is constantly in motion. A woman and/or couple may be juggling family responsibilities, job obligations, and civic engagements. It can prove difficult to attend to everything with doctor’s appointments, invasive testing, and exorbitant medical bills.
With all this happening, the last thing that a woman and/or her husband needs is negative commentary from family and friends under the guise of being helpful. I understand that some people have never had to utilize the services of a fertility clinic and may have been able to have as many babies as they have wanted without issue. And that is great, but not everyone has that same rate of success.
Some people who are well meaning may say things that they think will be beneficial to you, without realizing how off putting it may be. Read on to learn the 7 things not to say to someone who is struggling to have a baby and the 7 things to say instead.
- “Giving birth is not the only way you can be a mother.” This is often a dismissive statement that seeks to be helpful, but it is not. This statement overlooks the woman and her desire to give birth. When a woman is focusing on getting pregnant, she is focused on that and does not need to be judged for her choices.
- “You can always adopt.” Yes, adoption is an option, but that is not for anyone else to decide. Adoption is not an easy process in and of itself. There is paperwork, background checks, lawyer fees, home inspections, interviews, and matching with an expectant mother or older child. Some people wait for years to adopt a child for various reasons. This is a dismissive statement that seeks to provide a pseudo fix for the person. If you, yourself, have not gone through the process of adoption and are not willing to be a support, then it is best to avoid using this statement.
- “You’re trying too hard.” This statement is hurtful because it places judgment in a person’s TTC choices. This implies that a woman should not give their all to something that is important to them. It is a woman’s right to do everything possible to have a child.
- “Some things are just not meant to be.” This is truly a harsh statement that is not helpful. We all know that many things are not in the cards for us, but we should not be dissuaded from believing and hoping for the best possible outcome. When this statement is made, it comes off as if you are trying to kill someone’s dreams.
- “There are people who have kids and don’t want them. You’re lucky.” The topic of discussion is not about other people or the luck they feel that you have. The issue is that of what the intended mother wants. To make this statement is to take the emphasis from the woman or couple and place it upon someone else. That is rude and it is unfair.
- “Plenty of people don’t have children and they’re just fine.” Again, the emphasis should not on other people and their decisions, it is supposed to be upon the intended mother and father. Other people’s choices are not what is important.
- “Everybody is not meant to be a mother.” This might be the absolutely worst thing that a person can say to a TTC woman. This implies that the woman who is struggling with carrying a pregnancy to term is not meant to be a mother and that she should give up. The intended mother wants support and not to be encouraged to quit with her pregnancy plans.
Instead, offer these following statements to help someone on their TTC journey.
- “I’m sorry this is hard for you.” This is a simple, polite statement that honors a person’s difficulty without judgement.
- “Is there anything that I can do to help?” Sometimes the mother and/or couple will see this as a kind gesture and decline any support. However, this is not always the case. When asking this question, be prepared for the answer. Be prepared to be asked to do anything from run errands for the intended mother or give them their fertility shots. Do not make this statement unless you sincerely mean it.
- “I’ve never heard of your condition before. Can you tell me about it?” Be prepared to really listen when making this statement. Avoid saying,”…but other people have had worse and still had kids”. This is a time to listen and learn and to be supportive. Any questions given should be directed towards the diagnosis, prognosis, and the physical and emotional state of the intended mother.
- “I can only imagine what you’re going through.” This statement is great because it humanizes the struggle of the woman. It also leaves the door open for her to explain to you how difficult this process is for her. Be sure that you have time just in case the woman wants to talk and share her feelings.
- “I’ll support you in whatever you choose to do.” I can attest to the fact that people in your family of your closest friends may leave you because they do not support your TTC decisions. Support is golden and knowing that there is someone rooting for you as you struggle is priceless.
- “It’s okay if you don’t want to show up.” Going through fertility treatments and subsequent loss can be extremely difficult. It’s important to keep in mind that the intended mother may not want to show up to a family celebration, a wedding, a baby shower, or any other event that may have expectant mothers and/or small children running around. To be given an “easy out” from family events is helpful.
- “How are you making it through?” This is a great question to ask an intended mother or couple. This question recognizes the pain of the person and if they are coping in a healthy way. Again, this is another question to ask that you must be prepared to receive the answer. Be prepared for tears, cuss words, sadness, anger, and shouting. Please be patient with the person if they double over in tears because you are the only person who cared enough about their situation to ask.
It is my sincere hope that everyone has the support that they need in building the family that they desire. Fertility treatments can test a person mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally, and financially.
Please be that person who will be supportive to a woman or couple who are suffering through infertility.
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